Cornbread Beach

Sell 'em broken 7 Up bottles. Tell them that they're the rarest emeralds from the last region of the Amazon basin where cannibals are still the party in power. Make them think that they need 96" televisions to watch NFL games on Sunday after church. Then pull the rug out and convince them that they must have flat screen TV's. Hanging on the wall. Next year we'll get them to brag that they can watch men the size of Hummers crash into each other on tiny little "personal devices."

Wait- the same ones we sold the 96 inchers to? Yeah! They're gonna need curved screens if they're to buy anything else to hang on the wall.

Speaking of Hummers, after we market gigantic, fuel-guzzling, butt-ugly, military vehicles to these fine folks, let's sell them all a Prius. Uh oh. They seem to last forever and they don't go out of style. They don't use nearly enough gas, either. Well, that's alright. Gas will be under two bucks a gallon by the end of summer. What did we do with all those Hummers?

How about that stock market? Is it just me or is it weird that every major correction surprises everybody? Including that obnoxious bald guy who yells on the news broadcasts as an expert. Hey! Isn't he the same shameless jerk who told us to buy this crap?

While we're on the subject of the market, what about the Koch brothers and those other crooks? Do you mean to tell me that we're going to turn over the entire government to those evil, self-centered villains just because they have amassed a lot of green paper? No, that's ridiculous. They also have stock certificates. Real stuff!

Wait! What about the correction?

Oh, the job creators will use the opportunity to trade some of their surplus green paper to pick up more stock certificates at bargain rates. When their lackeys manipulate the market to their liking they will purchase some more government. Well, if they don't own it all by then.

Where's Woody? Will Rogers, Johnny Cash, George Carlin? What have they done with John Lennon? Don't quit now, Jon. We need you.

There aren't many things that money can't buy, it seems. We always thought that water was on that short list. Now those same low down scoundrels who managed to have governments fight wars for "their" oil are investing in water.

You still can't buy love. There's an endless source, too. You can't buy authenticity, either, but it seems to be in short supply.